Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
