I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Im part way to drunk.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
