when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Randomize
