I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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