when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
