I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
