why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize