That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
