So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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