I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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