Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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