overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
