forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
