I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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