I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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