This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
