i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
