I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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