Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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