Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
