alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
