In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
