Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize