Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
