it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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