She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize