"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
