Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
