There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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