i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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