I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize