During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
