his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I pour the whiskey from now on
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
