peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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