There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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