I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
even my farts smell like vagina
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
