just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize