Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
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