To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
