Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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