Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
