At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
