Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize