its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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