Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Quick, to the slutcave!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
