I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
