I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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