That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
