My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
