well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
