Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
