I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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