Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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