i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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