In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
