Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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