im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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