I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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