By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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