She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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