I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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