Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
