Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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