dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
