If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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