I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
