i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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